long long way
by Sg1Trooper
Summary: The battle has been won against Anubis but at what price? Sam tries to find a way to bring back Jack to her. Second in the Jack and Sam Pad "50 ways to say I love you" challenge by the general


Long Long Way

How long have I been standing here? I ask myself this question at least 10 times a day. I stare at you through the ice and will you to answer me but I get no response.

Do I think by staring at you through this wall of ice this new barrier between us that I will find the solution I'm looking for?

I hold back my tears. How long have I've been willing you to answer me. I've racked my brain to try and find the answer to this puzzle but can't.

I've failed you.

It's been months and I've run every test that I can to try and figure out a way to get you back to me. I've worked myself to the bone and I've alienated everyone around me in my quest to get you back.

I look around the chamber but was empty.

It was late, everyone else had gone topside to get some sleep and eat and to give me space. Do you have any ideal how hard it is to have all these people look at me for a solution and I don't have one?

I feel so alone and helpless.

I touch the ice and trace your face. It's so cold. Do you feel the coldness creeping into your bones? Do you see me? Can you feel me? What were you thinking when the coldness finally claimed you? Did you cry out in silence as I did and rail the gods for the injustice of you saving the world again and this being your reward?

Can you see the pain that I am in? The others had given me space knowing that I've reached the end of my rope. Little sleep and frayed nerves were not a good combination.

Daniel has tried to break my barriers but I push him away. I can't afford to show weakness. Weakness is something I have no time for now. Time is of the essences and Daniel wants me to show him what I am feeling and to talk.

Teal'c understands. He always does he is a warrior and knows that showing emotion or weakness can be a liability I have to be strong it would not do you any good if I crack now.

I remember calling out your name before you went into deep freeze telling you that we had won.

I snort at that statement now. At what cost had this victory come? It had cost us you your life for the life of your planet.

I remember feeling your eyes staring at me. Not saying a word, words were not needed all your emotions and words were mirrored in your eyes.

Everything I wanted to say to you was held in my heart. I didn't think it would be fair to tell you at that moment what I have wanted to say for so long. I couldn't do that to you. You did not need to hear me confess my true feeling when you would probably not remember any of what was said.

My heart heavy with ache, my mind tired of reliving what ifs.

So much has been left unspoken, so many emotions still left to be sorted. So many questions still left unanswered.

Why didn't I tell you what you mean to me at your house? We were alone, the opportunity was there but still I faltered. Afraid to show you my true feelings but terrified you did not feel the same.

Why did I let you answer for me in the cargo ship?

I was such a coward afraid that if I let my feelings show it would jeopardize the mission. Always a soldier first Samantha Carter never let your feelings interfere too much to digest and too much to have to cloud your mind of its objective.

I know.

Those two words conveyed what you thought I wanted to say.

But you were so wrong. I wanted to say that I admired the man that you are. That I was a better person having served under you and beside you, that I considered you a national treasure and that the country no the world owed you so much more.

That I see the vulnerable side of you, this side always present when one of us was hurt or when you speak of your past mistakes in life.

The side I see when you are around children, how my heart beats a little faster when you smile and interact with them.

When you pretend to be dumber then you really are. I know you are smarter then you let on. Using this as one of your defense mechanisms. You have such a brilliant mind strategy wise and are so well read that if Daniel ever went to your office and checked out the books under your desk he'd have a cardiac arrest.

The side I know deep in my heart that you save for me. The looks you gave me the smiles that I craved, the jokes that weren't funny and everything that is you.

I wanted to show you that you are cared for that all these people here in the Antarctic are here to save you. That you would not be left behind, each one of these people know that you would do the same if it were any of them.

There was something else I wanted to say but held my tongue.

I was obsessed I need to find the solution needed to bring you back to finally bring it out of the room and into the here and now.

I trace your face again outlining it with my fingers. I will not stop the tears this time I don't care who sees them anymore. All I want is here in front of me but it has never seemed so far away. I lean into the coldness of the chamber and whisper my words to you.

"I will find a way to get you out, this I promise. If it takes me until the day I die to find a solution then so be it. I wont give up I need you to know. I need to tell you what's in my heart and what's been my sole reason for living."

"I love you Jack O'Neill".

"I always have always will, you are my sun, my moon and my stars. You are the air that I breathe and the ground I walk on. You are my constant my touchstone that I depend on. Please hold on I will make you a path to come back to me. This I promise."

I lean my forehead on the ice and press my lips to it.

I go back to continue my search for the way to bring my love back to me and wait for the day I can tell him I love you. It seems like it's a long long way to go but I will travel that road because you will be there at the end and I will finally have my love.


End file.
